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It was the cis femme who I met when I was working a table at a conference who took me out to dinner with her cis butch partner the next day and later taught me how to paint my nails and six years later, the three of us are family despite the fact that we live on opposite coasts.It was the femmeships in my life who inspired me, made me feel seen and affirmed, and the relationships with partners, one of whom half-joked that as queer women we were becoming more lesbian through dating each other.Often when the sex wars gets discussed, people mostly talk about the debates around porn and sex work, but that was also tied into a broader discussion and debate over BDSM, butch/femme, trans lives and existence, and working to define what a ‘good feminist’ and ‘good lesbian’ was and is.As Joan Nestle, femme author and co-founder of the Lesbian Herstory Archives wrote in her seminal 1987 book, “Some Lesbians are more acceptable than others.They were written for the unabashedly gay and deliciously dykey parts of me and I love the ways I can relate to the stories, even if it’s not fully.Despite that the stories of trans women who love other women and situate themselves within lesbian legacies like butch/femme still feel few and far between —as well as all the ways transmisogyny exists within queer and lesbian communities — butch/femme feels like my legacy that I get to claim too.

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Around the same time, I began doing more community organizing and some of my mentors in that work were cis queer femme identified women who at first were people I looked up to.I'm not afraid of saying so myself, which in my head makes it ok.Last weekend I forwarded a pic of a stud to a friend telling her: "If this is all there is out there, I think I'll pass and I'll stick to my magic wand. Continue reading - when your last bout of summer cold, allergies or Ebola has you looking like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the butch sitting next to you at the laundromat "sees" you (take me now, Lord! - when your LGBTQ friends push you to date other femmes, transguys, bisex women… Continue reading No, I'm not playing for the other team now. Continue reading A couple of femme acquaintances have asked me how do I find butches and where can they go meet quality butches other than LGBT bars.I asked my friends and acquaintances what are the advantages of dating a femme as opposed to a femme-identifying feminine lesbian, bisex or straight woman (cultural appropriation anyone? After her own self-discovery and acceptance journey, a femme: - Values you. First and foremost, I think that when you are looking you tend to attract the crazies, the psychos, the ones you shouldn't touch even with a 30 foot pole… As a femme lesbian woman, butch/femme is a part of my legacy and history and sits at my back, having a hand in the world that I live and love in.




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